Forcast for today

You know when there is so much going on in your head you have no clue what to write? That is where I am right now, I have written this post over and over again. Life has been so chaotic lately that my mind is going a mile a minute. I realized this week that the point I was at this time last year is completely different. For example, I still had my dad around. I was happy with my life, (which I still am) I was living somewhere completely different. But most importantly I had control of my heart and I had it on lock down. Now a year later I am in stuck in the webs of love that I never wanted to be in and hurting more than I have ever. I decided a month ago to completely let him go and I did. I have been very proud of myself and now I am realizing what I lost and its crazy. How do you let go of someone or something when it won't leave. Just when I think I am strong enough to move on the carpet comes out from underneath me and I need him. I have always seen myself as a strong person, I have tackled a lot of hurdles in my life and this one I feel like I jump and hit a brickwall in the process. This is one thing I cannot wrap my head around nor let go.  Ihave always been able to have my little cry and move on. I have totally kept myself busy.... Maybe too busy but I have kept myself occupied so I would forget but no matter what I am doing I am still thinking about him, about us. Where do I go now? There is so much going through my head about what to do and its crazy. This person hurt me so I should be able to move on and leave them in the dust! But then I realize no matter I forgive him because he is that good of a guy... I mean this guy stands out of the crowd... He is sexy, hot, sweet, caring, loving, patient, atheletic, manly but sensative, honest, loyal, he is one of a kind. Let me tell you you know the song "I Just Call You Mine." Well the lyrics say "Every one that sees you always wants to know you, and everyone that knows you always has a smile. Youre a standing ovation, after a years of waiting for a chance to fall and shine." That doesn't even describe this guy. The best part about him is he doesn;t even know how wonderful and unique he is. Out of all the stars in the sky he would be the northern star. He always use to say to me he didn't know why I loved him becuase he was no one special just him. See now the thing is he has been beaten down by his past that he has come to believe that he isnt special, he is actually a crummy guy. But I will say this if you ever get to meet him you will be blessed. He has always been there for me through everything. Well except now because I had to walk away. Well not walk I had to run, see I realized he is better off without me. Thats a long story in itself but I know and I am trying to let him go and walk away from every causing him any pain. Part of me hopes in his heart he still loves me like i love him, but he deserves better than me. That seems weird to write I know but the full story is long and it is complicated. My heart has always belonged to him and will for as long as it takes to either a. move on or b. for him to come and find me. But its hard letting go and actually letting go. I have been blessed to have been loved by him and it blows my mind that I actually got the chance to be loved like I was. The journey ahead is a long one because I don't know if I will find this love again but maybe someday....